Who would have thought that having 3 helmets stolen in 1 year would give me one of my biggest "blessons" ever!
Yep, that just happened. #truestory
This is a story on how I finally came to accept the divine masculine into my life, and it only took my third stolen helmet and a memory of a past event to make it happen.
Last night, my partner and I set off to go for a gorgeous walk along the beach. Having had 2 helmets stolen before, we made sure we locked our helmets in our bike seat and pushed our bike up against the wall with our helmets in between.
Safe as houses, right?
We had a wonderful night listening to 4 extremely talented musicians playing live cover music. The lead singer had the most stunning unique voice I've heard live in a long time.
We sat on the beach sharing real talk feels while eating tamarinds and mandarins. We were lost in our own little bliss bubble.
Within this bubble I felt safe to share my fears, share how I had been feeling tired of fighting to keep my head above water lately and that I seem to energetically be always on guard. As I was sharing these feels I felt myself holding lots of tension in my body, especially around my hips (foundation, safety) up my back (support) and an elevation in my shoulders and arms (expectations, ego, protection)
Phillip helped me work through some of these fears by listening, leaving the nail alone long enough for me to come to some realisations and release some of the tension through spoken words and tears.
Knowing that I am the only one that can steer my ship we then explored a few accountability questions:
"What am I currently doing/thinking that is contributing to these feelings of fear?"
"Is my perception of my current situation real or imagined?"
After allowing time and space to answer these questions along with many others, I was able to find some ease in my body again. My reality became more real and the fear was beginning to subside.
Being vulnerable isn't pretty, nor is it fun, though from my experience I have learnt that it is a necessary doorway to true healing, growth and self-love.
When we got back to our bike, Phillips helmet is on the handle bars, the seat was buckled and my helmet was taken. Instantly I thought "Seriously God, universe, what are you trying to teach me with my helmet?"
Phillip hands me his helmet and we ride off in utter disbelief of what had just occurred. All I could think of was "what the heck is my lesson?"
Fast forward to the morning. I am in the shower and have a memory pop up, along with a strong feeling that this memory has a lesson that needs to be shared.
It was a time when I was fresh in my teens, vulnerable and easily influenced by what is happening around me. I am in a bus with a cultural group travelling the south island of New Zealand. We were on a 2 week tour performing kapa haka at most major towns and cities.
Everyone is on the bus waiting to leave for another destination, when out of the blue I witnessed my uncle hit my aunty around the head. Not just once. What surprised me the most wasn't the domestic violence, that wasn't new to me, what surprised me was the fact she protected HIM by saying "Not now, not here, do this later!" Not once did she try to protect herself!
Do you know what else surprised me? There was a moment of verbal, physical and emotional abuse in a very public place, one that I had earlier deemed safe, and not one person did anything to stop it. Including me! Not even her mum or dad stood up to him.
I looked around the bus, it was like we were in slow motion, everyone had their heads bowed! What the fuck just happened? Then I had this thought, "Who the hell is going to protect me if this ever happened to me?"
What should have been a fun drive ended up being the time I decided to always guard my heart, wear the armour, hold the shield close and be armed with a sword! This was the incident that solidified for me that girls are weak and no one will ever be there to protect me. No man will ever be able to keep me safe. I must do that myself!
I hopped out of the shower and started to investigate exactly what's going on:
1st Helmet - 3 helmets on my bike. My one is the only one that got taken. My partner and our friends helmet stayed. My partner and our friend were starting a new business journey. I felt I needed to be in control of it all. I did not trust the process could happen without my input. I felt safer to be involved. Lots of energy around that.
2nd Helmet - 2 helmets on my bike. My one is the only one that got taken. My partners one was still on my bike. We had just committed to entering uncharted waters with our relationship and businesses.
3rd Helmet - As mentioned earlier.
I do a bit more digging:
Helmets signify protection and safety. They are a masculine object.
Even though Phillip is not always here in Bali, he seems to be always with me when my helmet gets taken
Then I ask myself "Why did that memory flood back to me?"
It was to remind me of the moment I felt I was not protected. I no longer felt safe. It was to remind me of the moment I chose to mask myself with my own masculinity and suppress my feminine divineness.
Then it all hits me in the face like a falling coconut!!
Tears flowed, energy drained out of my body. No breathwork needed. Just open, honest investigations of the loops I had continued to make.
It is time for me to allow the divine masculine into my life, to be my beacon of light and allow him to keep me safe. For real this time too. Not pretend.
It is ok for me to put my sword and shield down for I am strong without it. I am safe. I AM protected.
The staunch act I had been putting on for most of my life can now end. I choose to stand strong in my feminine divineness and respect and welcome the divine masculine in Phillip.
This isn't a matter of me being submissive or about 'putting me in my place.'
This is a matter of me letting go of a memory that was keeping me from experiencing the many possibilities with the masculine.
So, from this day forth;
I release all anticipated outcomes
I release all anger and sorrow
I desire and ask to believe the whole truth and only the truth about who and what I am about and who and what I am not.
I release my old patterns and embrace how beautifully I am learning the art of surrender, the courage to let go, in the wild of my unknowns. (Modified Morgan Harper Nichols quote)
And above all,
I CHOOSE TO LOVE
Much love and Vitality